Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.