M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
You Might Also Like
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…