Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
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My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.