Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
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3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.