accurate
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER