Me recordaron éste meme
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So we got a goldfish…
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw