If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff