Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
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A closed mouth gathers no fries.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”