[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
You Might Also Like
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.