Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
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Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
they split up moments later
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Ah yes. The three genders
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers