How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”