My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
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convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)