I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Meow?
This is true.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.