Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
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Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.