Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
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Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Meanwhile in Canada…
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.