I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.