customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
You got this…
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.