Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
You Might Also Like
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr