god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
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I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too