Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My life coach traded me.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]