BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
#SCOTUS one-star review
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.