Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
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Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
spicy snake
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out