genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”