My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!