My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
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Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
This anagram machine is out of order.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad