My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
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Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.