So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
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DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”