3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
You Might Also Like
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.