I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I will never stop laughing at this
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
He’s cranky this morning
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
there’s probably a fee though
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.