multitasking lunch
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.