if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Mission: Impossible
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.