I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
🤭😂
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history