Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]