I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Netflix and awkward silence?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*