I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick