I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.