The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
You Might Also Like
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster