When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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