Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
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At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”