[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
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Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter