2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Did I do this right
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!