Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
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yeah not falling for this one
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it