cats when you pet them too long:
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I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
just having fun
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before