I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
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ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it