“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
You Might Also Like
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.