Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
This is always good for a laugh.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible