I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
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Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Festive toon…
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My wedding will be open casket.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
the red hot silly peppers
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Cake safety first. Always.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.