I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
*has no idea what a book even is*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.