Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.