How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I’m awake but I object,
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic